How to Stop People-pleasing to grow your business
Ok, I’m just going to say it: you’re a high-achiever who is also a people-pleaser. There is a pattern of giving it all and some more, and you’re now at a point where 1) you can no longer do it without feeling burnt out, and 2) people expect you to continue to do so. Sounds familiar? You won’t believe how many clients and friends tell me the exact same thing. The story is similar: a friend, colleague, former client, or sometimes even a stranger comes to you with a problem that you absolutely know how to solve (you’re actually quite versed in it), it’s part of your work duties (quite often it is the exact core of your offering), and the urge to help is strong. And so is their persistence: they know you can - and most likely will - help. So you tell them, give that one tip, advice or direction that they need that will completely change their lives. You know it, they know it. And then they walk away - usually looking for the next free advice, from the next consultant, coach, friend, or colleague that is willing to give it to them for free.
We know how much time, energy and resources we have invested to be exactly where we are. We know quite well that trainings, professional degrees, creation of our offerings, maintenance of our businesses and so forth are not free. But somehow, we still end up providing professional advice for free.
How do you come back from a pattern of offering your knowledge, expertise or energy for free - or to people who are not truly valuing your input?
To answer this, let’s first look at WHY we do it.
1) We think we’re doing a good deed.
The mind goes: “We’re good people, and good people help others.” A friend in need. A client who is struggling financially. An acquaintance that just shared they’re going through a divorce. You name it. Yes, we want to help, yes, the world needs more of it, but here’s a contemplation: think of a time when you got something you truly valued. Maybe it was a hard-earned certification, or your PHD, or maybe an advice that completely changed your life. Then ask yourself? Did it come for free? Chances are, it did not. Even the friendly advice you might have gotten from a mentor, someone more senior in your career, or a writer you admire, I am willing to bet, cost you something. And this is precisely why we value it. Charging for your advice (and I don’t mean just money, it could be a favor, or time, or praise) ensures that the person is also truly receiving it, listening to it, and valuing it.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting you lose your sense of empathy for the next person. What I’m saying is that help is not always free advice. Besides, kindness goes both ways, and the first person you should be kind to is, you know, YOU.
2) We want to feel needed.
If there is a part of you that feels that you need to always give in order to feel better about yourself, I want you to take a deep breath. And then tell yourself, “I am worthy even if I don’t know anything. I am worthy even if I can’t help this person. I am worthy even if no one wants to hear what I have to say. I am worthy because I am worthy. I am worthy, because I AM.”
We’ve all been there. Givers who are also high-achievers are often also moved by this sense of accomplishment (a good deed, but nonetheless an accomplishment) and sometimes we can get lost in the search for recognition. When you feel you’re worthy, you know this: your input is sacred. This is regardless of your Human Design type, Astrological sign, Myers-Briggs personality type. Even if your design or calling is to guide others, you don’t always have to offer your advice - particularly professional advice - for free. Which brings me to the next little lie we’ve been told.
3) We learned that free service (or advice) brings more clients or reputation.
This, my friends, is one of the biggest marketing lies out there. I remember when I was first exposed to this concept. You see, I came from a background in international tax law where nothing, and I mean nothing, was for free. Of course we did some pro-bono work too, helping people who truly could not afford legal fees (and by the way, I am ALL for this), but the concept of “giving something for free so that people get hooked on your work and want more” was absolutely non-existent. And I believe there is something very special about not doing it. If you’re marketing a personalized, exclusive, tailored service, why on earth would you offer it for free? It devalues your work, your expertise, your knowledge.
Unfortunately because of the marketing concept of “samples”, everyone and their moms are now offering a “free PDF”, “free call”, “free webinar”. This is where it gets confusing. Product samples are a no-brainer, but samples don’t always work for the service and consulting industries. It can even be detrimental to your authority in the field to offer it. When done correctly though, it should be a sales pitch in the form of a sample offering: you provide some general content and value so new clients are aware of what you do and how you do it. But never personalized advice for free. You cannot forget the purpose of the “sample”: to sell YOU.
SOLUTIONS
Maybe you have created some free offerings that went nowhere. Maybe you’ve been spending quite a bit of your time answering messages from friends or helping colleagues in need. Perhaps too, after a while you start to notice that they simply don’t listen (this is common, particularly with friends and family), and then instead of feeling “needed”, you start to feel “unworthy”, or “undervalued”. This is another aspect of this pattern. So how do we come back from it?
1) It seems logical that the first thing to do (which is also the hardest) is to STOP.
Simply that. You’re no longer available for free advice, tips, work, etc. You can do this in a way that does not create conflict, as in, you don’t have to tell the person(s) you’re no longer available for free advice. You see, people are smart and understand a lot from behaviors (even more than words). Simply say: “I’m so sorry, but I can’t talk today. I’m swamped with client sessions/ work/ product orders.” Or, don’t respond to the messages, calls, or emails right away. Give yourself some time, a day, even two - then come back with what I mentioned above.
2) Authentically sell (for what you’re worth) to the potential client/ friend/ acquaintance who is searching for help.
After you stop giving free advice, you can follow with selling your offering. In Magnetic Business I coach clients how to specifically do this, according to their business, temperament and goals. I must say, about 50% of my current clients came to me exactly through this conversion method. I call it Authentic Selling. You see, not everyone is natural at sales, so we need to find YOUR method for selling. There are no formulaic scripts or formulas, but a conversation where you, grounded in your self-worth and knowing quite well how you can help, talk about your offering or work in a way that honors your time and energy.
I’ll give an example of how I’ve done this myself: Meghan is one of my long time clients and we first connected through Instagram message, when she asked a follow up question to one of my posts. I asked her a few questions to get to know her, and she proceeded to tell me that her real issue was that she was a nutritionist who could not get clients through social media. She felt uninspired and did not want to simply post recipes on Instagram, like other nutritionists were doing. She also told me her clients primarily came through word-of-mouth, through previous contacts in the fashion world (she is also a model). It was very clear to me: Meghan doesn’t have a social media problem; she has a business identity problem. I saw exactly what she needed to do - the brand, strategy, the means, the goals. These are exactly aspects of my work: how to clarify your offering and target, how to restructure a business or organize it, how to market it, how to generate more revenue through different revenue streams. I was very excited because I knew in my heart I could help Meghan quite literally change her life! I wanted her to succeed. But remember, this is my work, and I also wanted for her to value the input she would receive. So I did exactly what I’m suggesting you do: I took a breath, offered kind words of understanding and simply mentioned the truth, which was something around the lines of “I understand this, and in fact quite a few clients I work with have been through a similar situation and have found more authentic ways to promote their business. This is what I do with Magnetic Business. I would love to support you and feel that together we can make the shifts needed for your business to succeed.” And then I sent her a link to my discovery call, which brings me to my next point:
3) Yes, you can still create a free offering.
I’ve just mentioned my discovery calls. They are free. For now. Because for the time being it still energizes the heck out of me to chat with potential clients, leads, meet new people and understand what they’re going through. I listen to every single person and allow them to experience the container I’ve created to help them feel supported and safe. This is my point: the container. You can have a free container where you decide what people get, how they get it, what they experience. This is a container for your energy: it’s within your schedule, at your convenience, in your place of choice. For now this is how potential clients can reach me and I always make sure to listen to their needs. But I am also sharing how we would tackle their challenges and how my work can make their lives so much easier. Naturally too, I am also choosing which clients to take because as I mentioned before this should be a two-way street: you choose your clients as much as they choose you. Every single client I have worked with in these past 15 years are people I would vouch for and recommend to others: I KNOW they do a good job. I know how skilled, efficient and good they are. This is the GOOD I choose to focus on.
My mission is to support high-achievers and leaders find their authentic voice and purpose, living a fulfilling life while making bank. I am allergic to formulas and cookie-cutter solutions that promise everything with no real results. I support you in creating impact and natural magnetism in your business or career, so that you can authentically and unapologetically accomplish what you came here to do.
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